Opinion Sur Joven

“Only unfulfilled love can be romantic”. Juan Antonio in the film “Vicky Cristina Barcelona”.

It’s a strange grief… to die of nostalgia for something you will never live”, from the book Silk, by Alessandro Baricco.

Two years ago we published an article about infidelity, which generated intense responses and questions among readers. Among those responses, we were surprised to find out many were sent by female lovers of married men, who were far from being comfortable in their roles: they were suffering because of it. Their problem seemed to be that they were cheating on themselves. In those cases, they were mostly unfaithful to themselves.

Here’s the case of a reader who describes the reality of many women:

“I’ve been the lover of an ex-coworker for a year now. I quit my job eight months ago. I fell in love with him, and I guess -in a way- he also fell in love with me. I know I don’t have many choices. In fact, last week I told him to decide what he wants to do, and he always answers the same: ’I’ll think about it’, ’I don’t know’, ’I can’t just leave my family’… And I understand him. I’ve been doing therapy for six years, and I haven’t told this to my psychologist because I know what he’s going to tell me. And, worst of all, I know I can’t expect anything from my partner, because I’ve accepted this relationship the way it is. He never has time for me, we almost never have sex anymore when we’re together, so we are sort of ’friends with benefits’. He calls me everyday; obviously, he’s the one who decides our encounters, ALL OF THEM. Should I leave him? Should I tell him to make up his mind? Has he turned into an obsession?

Why doesn’t anyone talk about the lovers?

Being a female lover isn’t socially accepted, whereas being a male lover doesn’t generate as much controversy. Since this issue is related to morals, sometimes it’s harder to deal with. Whereas men tend to be proud of being lovers, many women don’t talk about their situation out of embarrassment, or do it with their closest friends only. It’s hard to imagine a father raising his daughter to make her “a good lover”. Maybe this is why some situations are hardly discussed or superficially dealt with.

However, female lovers are usually present in literature, films, plays and TV, although their situation is described from a male chauvinist point of view, leaving aside their characters and their feelings. It seems love and obsession go hand in hand. And another ingredient adds up to these women’s situation: a significant portion of masochism.

Obsessions are characterized by recurring, persistent and inappropriate thoughts, impulses or images that cause significant anxiety or discomfort. The typical phrases are “I can’t get him out my head”, “I can’t stop thinking about him”. Unlike a “healthily” in love person -who thinks about his or her partner in an idyllic manner-, obsessed people try to ignore or suppress these negative thoughts, impulses or images, or attempt to neutralize them by doing things or keeping themselves busy. The breaking point takes place when said thoughts become excessive and prevent these people from doing their daily activities, generating significant discomfort in their everyday lives. Perhaps that’s when the person should resort to professional help.

I suffer, therefore I am

Although masochism is generally understood as pleasure derived from physical suffering, the term masochist may also be applicable to people who find certain satisfaction in suffering and decadence. In some cases, according to a psychoanalytical view, this behavior is related to an unconscious feeling of guilt.

Cognitive psychologists observe dysfunctional patterns on the way people relate to each other, in this case to the loved person. It seems masochists reaffirm their existence by suffering. Female lovers, for instance, maintain relationships that make them suffer for months or years; however, they say they keep doing it to “resist tears”. This is not just a symptom, but a whole way of living life: suffering. Thus, they seem to justify their existence by making a way of living out of grief.

Lovers “who think like men”

Not all lovers are suffering or trapped in the desire of an impossible love. There’s another type of female lover who doesn’t mind being “the other”. All she wants is have a good time. Micaela says:

“I’ve been dating a married man for a year; many times, in intimacy, I see him wearing his wedding ring, but it doesn’t bother me at all. Sometimes I even find it funny”. Micaela doesn’t want her Romeo to leave his wife and kids; she just wants to have a good time.

The ability to separate love from sex is very compatible with many men’s way of thinking and behaving. Maybe that’s why these kinds of lovers are the most wanted ones by men. Their attitude is also related to the way people have been relating over the last decades: love and intimacy cease to be considered situations shared by people involved in a committed relationship to become casual encounters or connections.

As Ralph Waldo Emerson pointed out, quoted in Zygmunt Bauman’s book “Liquid Love”, “In skating over thin ice, your salvation is in speed. When the quality lets you down, you tend to seek redemption in quantity. If ‘commitments are meaningless’ while relations cease to be trustworthy and are unlikely to last, you are inclined to swap partnerships for networks”. This is pointed out by Bauman as the new way of relating in the 21st century.

“I’d never do that”

While many women’s everyday reality is to be lovers, other don’t agree with this type of relationship. Being a lover implies -for these women- being immediately downgraded to a lower status.

They believe that, although there may be cases of men deciding to leave their wives/girlfriends/partners, this is very unlikely. That’s why they prefer to date men who can give them an exclusive relationship. Marcela (28) thinks: “The sadness about that incomplete relationship is always worse than the illusion generated by the search”, although she acknowledges sometimes it’s hard to leave a situation that, good or not, implies a presence, a contact, a permanent existence of the other. “But women forget how much they deserve and underestimate themselves among other eligible men”, she concludes.

No bed of roses

Lovers generally live fleeting stories of passion, sometimes in a way romantic poets of the 19th century would envy. However, what literature and Hollywood movies many times forget is that love is much more than just passion. Movies show how two people meet romantically in Paris, or how they passionately kiss under pouring rain. But those stories usually don’t show the difficulty to overcome rocky moments: How will they solve everyday conflicts? How will they save money to buy a house? How will they educate their children? How’s their relationship with their in-laws? According to Baumann, “it is not in craving after ready-made, complete and finished things that love finds its meaning - but in the urge to participate in the becoming of such things”.

So we should tell these heartbroken women that, unfortunately, love many times isn’t what they feel, that it’s not just a burning passion that seems to drive them crazy. Love is more of an everyday thing, a less shocking feeling, something you build day by day. Lovers: it’s about time you were honest with yourselves about what you want from life, from love and from a relationship, instead of blaming a man who has built love somewhere else.

Illustration: Lorena Saúl

We wish to thanks Ashoka’s Avancemos program and Hillel Argentina for their support.

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