Opinion Sur Joven

I’m in a session, and two parents are sitting before me. Their nine-year-old son keeps breaking things at school, as well as beating and insulting his classmates. He tyrannically shouts at his parents, and doesn’t listen to his teacher. I look at his parents. They are clueless. They look shy and doubtful. None of them knows exactly how to say it, but I can sense what they’re about to say. In most of these cases, parents find it difficult to say no their children. In general, this is admitted as an embarrassing confession: “Perhaps we have failed to set limits”.

This generation of parents in their twenties, thirties and forties seems to be really keen on spoiling their kids, doing joint activities, taking them to McDonald’s and sharing all kinds of games (PlayStation, Wii)… They know how to talk to them and show their affection. But they lack something previous generations handled better: the ability to set limits.

The trendy concept that love is enough has taken over. This generation of parents has grown up listening to “All you need is love”. Not that Lennon and McCartney were wrong, but is love about being spoiled and having a good time only? Definitely not. Above all, love is presence. That doesn’t necessarily mean that the parents who spend more time with their kids are the best ones.

It’s not about time (although this helps), but a different type of presence; it’s about facing situations, having a role: one of them is setting limits.

Love and limits go hand in hand. I set limits on you, I educate you so you can be okay at school, with your friends and with your family. Letting children do whatever they want is the opposite role: I’ll buy you anything you want, I’ll let you eat anything you want.

Facundo’s case is very illustrative. He’s three years old and is very disobedient. During therapy sessions, his parents would tell me that, since he doesn’t like the food his mother prepares, Facundo only eats at Burger King. What is wrong with these parents who have doubts when it comes to setting limits? Do they understand the importance of these boundaries?

I’m done

Perhaps the first limit children receive is set by their mothers when they stop breastfeeding them for the first time and keep them away from their chest. This first “no” children receive contrasts with the previous “yes” of the affection given to them by their mothers when breastfeeding them. This is the beginning of a child’s healthy psychic development. From then on, two possible sides of a limit can be inferred. Generally, the first one is the most common one: the terrible and frustrating prohibition (“up to here”; “not more than this”).

But if we make a further analysis of this situation, we can see the “no” appears as a support; as some experts describe it, it’s a psychic organizer within a child’s development.

The “no” makes us face a reality we would rather not deal with: we are not almighty beings, but flesh-and-bone persons who live and die, and we can’t do certain things. Understanding that can be frustrating, but it’s necessary in order to avoid greater suffering and be able to be a part of this society.

The “no” also enables the “yes”. When this isn’t really clear, confusion arises regarding what is allowed and what’s not, both in parents and children.

What’s a limit in practice?

When we talk about limits, the first thing that comes to many parents’ minds is a spank or a slap. We’re clearly not talking about that. A limit marks a difference. Something that separates one thing from another one. We’re talking about showing a decision, about being strict without hitting or insulting but showing an attitude with words, with a position taken regarding certain behavior. For instance, showering everyday at a certain moment of the day, brushing their teeth or talking instead of shouting.

It’s a way of telling a child “you can decide up to here; I want to take care of you so I won’t let you go any further”. That’s where children can find support and know they’re protected, that they can be sure that -if in danger- we will be there to help them.

What do uncontrollable children do? They ask for limits, generally with anxiety, irritability and distress. But these children obviously don’t know how to ask for them; they can’t put this necessity in words. That generates distress. And what can’t be said in words is expressed with the body, it’s acted out. A person can only act out what he or she knows. In different ways, children will try to express their anxiety and be protected. The resources they will use to communicate this to their parents are precisely the ones they know how to use to attract their attention. They will try to be stopped. First they will try to break some rules and, as long they feel neglected or unprotected, they will continue to misbehave.

We have observed through our work that, in the first place, transgressions are small (e.g. beating other kids, misbehaving at school, not studying…). But if at this stage they don’t feel protected, they might even get to steal or get involved in risky situations, sometimes even close to death. Failing to set limits is not a joke, and it might imply serious consequences.

What about divorced parents?

It is common to observe divorced parents competing for their children. Sometimes this causes one of them (or both) to stop setting limits fearing their children will no longer love them. Instead, these parents try to comply with all their children’s demands. The problem is that, although at the beginning children seem to thank this behavior, they end up suffering it and holding grudge against their excessively permissive parents. As we’ve mentioned it before, this causes several behavior and learning problems.

So both parents are recommended to set limits on their children at the moment they are with them. This is both parents’ duty and responsibility. Said role can’t be assumed by only one of them.

Authority vs. authoritarianism

In South American countries, authority is often confused with authoritarianism. Said countries have a strong culture of illegality, where laws are not only violated but also ignored or disrespected.

Authority is exercised by the father when he enforces a rule. A rule that the father is complying with himself as a member of a larger society; he obeys the rule and enforces it.

Instead, an authoritarian father violates the rule. He uses it to do whatever he wants without any regulation whatsoever, without complying with the same law he wants his children to obey. For instance, a father cannot ask his children not to beat their classmates if he beats his own children or his wife.

Conclusion (this article has a limit too)

The real challenge for 21st century parents is that both the mother and the father work eight hours a day, aim at developing their careers or need to work support their homes.

And after such a tiring day, how can we possibly avoid the sweet temptation of giving our kids what they want? This situation is worse in single-parent families, where it’s generally the mother who takes care of her children, must work and then get home and -tired- assume the limiting role that has historically been assumed by the father.

In all cases, we must remember that although setting limits isn’t as enjoyable as spoiling our kids or having fun with them, it is very important and irreplaceable in every child’s education. The lack of limits might involve irreversible consequences in children’s lives.

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