Opinion Sur Joven

“The first betrayal is irreparable. It calls forth a chain reaction of further betrayals, each of which takes us farther and farther away from the point of our original betrayal. (…) Fidelity gave a unity to lives that would otherwise splinter into thousands of split-second impressions.”

Milan Kundera, “The unbearable lightness of being”.

Fidelity… Fidelity to what? To yourself? To another person? To society? To family? To morals?... To the truth?

What is infidelity? The purpose of this article is trying to define it, though not scientifically, but dealing with the beliefs and opinions existing in society nowadays regarding this subject. It’s a society with an ambiguous opinion: infidelity is officially punished, but it’s supported when committed by a friend or ourselves.

Basically, there are two main philosophical trends on the subject. The first considers it “a sin”. In fact, one of the Ten Commandments says “you shall not commit adultery” and another one says “you shall not covet another’s wife”.

Then, in the New Testament, there is the well-known biblical statement where Jesus says “Let he who is without sin cast the first stone”; said statement refers to a woman –Mary Magdalene- who was going to be stoned to death for having committed adultery.

The second viewpoint –further from moral- is regarding infidelity as merely having a fling. That is, something that happens but which shouldn’t be a big deal.

Between the religious sin and the extreme trivialization, many different ideas appear.

What are we talking about?

I define infidelity as “betrayal to intimacy within a couple relationship” based on Frank Pittman’s systemic cognitive thoughts, detailed in his book “Private lies”. There he talks about infidelity when a third person has been included within the couple relationship (that is, a third person in a two-people relationship) and there’s been sexual intercourse with said person.

According to the dictionary, infidelity is a synonym for “unfaithfulness”. However, away from past times’ morals, today such “unfaithfulness” is starting to be seen as a common thing. According to the research performed by Pittman, 50% of men and between 30 and 40% of women who are involved in a relationship commit infidelity. Moreover, people don’t consider it to be that wrong anymore, and reaction may even vary according to the person’s gender.

According to a study carried out by Martina Casullo and Mercedes Fernández Liporace, researchers at the Psychology School of Buenos Aires University, reactions to cheating vary regarding the gender and the type of cheating.

“In the case of women, they feel more hurt by their couples’ affective bond with another person than by a fling involving sexual intercourse only”, Casullo explains. “They rather tend to look for protection and safety in men, so their jealousy has to do with the threat of losing what the man gives them”. Therefore, she assures that “women are more prone to forgive a fling”. Meanwhile, men are more affected by women’s sexual infidelity. They are “afraid of false paternity”, Casullo points out.

In the mentioned study, the people surveyed were asked what would bother them more: imagining their couples creating a deep emotional bond with someone else or their enjoying a passionate sexual relationship with someone else? 82% of the women surveyed said that they’d be more hurt by their couples falling in love with someone else, whereas 18% would be more hurt by a fling. Among men, 52% are more affected by thinking of their couples being in love with someone else, whereas 44% are afraid of the possibility of their couple having a sexual encounter with another man.

Different theories on the streets

Probably there are almost infinite thoughts and feelings about infidelity. However, when talking about the subject with people, I think their versions may be classified regarding the following opinions.

Infidelity as something bad and wrong.

Again, back to the morals and the sin we had mentioned at the beginning. People with religious beliefs or clinging to social standards see infidelity as something negative and unforgivably reprovable. “If he cheats on me, I dump him”. There are no grey areas and they have a strict standpoint regarding the subject. Among these people there is a sub-group who doesn’t even consider it as something likely to happen to them, because it’s not present in their day-to-day life. For them, thinking about that is just as unlikely as if someone with no contact with drug users or addicts thought about drugs.

Yes, infidelity is bad, but…

This theory supports that infidelity is not good, but it is understandable in certain special –almost divine- circumstances upon which the person may take some liberties because they happen in a special moment. It’s not meant to hurt the couple, but as a self-indulgence to ourselves, and the partner has nothing to do with it.

Let’s take Eduardo’s case. His girlfriend had been with another man during a trip to Europe and he didn’t mind: “The important thing is that she didn’t do it to hurt me; that would have been painful. She did it because she felt like doing it at that very moment, at that very place, and I think it doesn’t change what she feels for me”.

Fatalistic infidelity

I remember rather in awe the day when a college mate told me the following phrase: “No one can save you from a cheater and death”. I thought there wasn’t much to do, then. It seemed something inexorable and unavoidable. Many people think about the subject as something tragic and irreversible. It’s something that just happens and nothing can be done about it. They also tend to say “everybody cheats”. Of course that, maybe, they blame “everybody” for what they do or think themselves.

Liliana is now 25 years old, and she got married about a year ago. Some months ago she had the chance to be with a classmate of the private university she used to attend to. Justified by her theory, she didn’t think twice. “After all, everyone does it”. The experience wasn’t that good for her, anyway.

Messianic infidelity

Some people talk about infidelity as something good that happened within their couple relationship. Miriam, 33, says: “After what happened with Ignacio I realized that I love my husband and I never should have done that. We’re far better now.”

Alejandra, who is 26, tells us a similar story. “I cheated on my boyfriend with an ex because he would never pay attention to me. After that, I told him about it and from that moment he started to do things right”. Alexandra’s going to marry him on July.

Cynical infidelity

Aldana has been married for a year now and she tells me her opinion on the subject: “Look, here’s the thing: if I cheat on you, you won’t find out. That’s what’s important for me. You’re married and everything’s great at the beginning. But the truth is that after a while you get bored, so… Besides, –she adds- who knows: maybe my husband’s doing the same thing. The important thing is that he doesn’t find out and that it has no consequences upon the relationship”.

So here we are told as a reality that passion, as time goes by, is not like on the first three months. And given that this is unavoidable, we have the right to do anything.

Infidelity with a V for Vendetta

In a Mob-like fashion and following the “an eye for an eye” belief, some people grant themselves the right to be unfaithful because their partners cheated on them. There are also cases where infidelity was committed by someone because their partner failed to do something or wasn’t affectionate enough, or because they felt abandoned or left aside. This seems to entitle the partner the right to take revenge however he pleases.

Infidelity as a right

This is somehow similar to the previous theory, although it has some differences. It’s not about revenge, but a sort of compensation. Phrases such as “what you don’t get at home you’ll look elsewhere” talk about a sort of right or compensation people obtain if they don’t get what they think they deserve in a certain time and place.

“My wife never wanted to do certain things in bed”… So I went to the girl next door.

Doc, what can I do?

As we can see, the different theories complement each other and generally each person supports one or several. After having heard the different ideas on the streets, it would be good to start thinking about the subject in a more serious way, no matter how fun it is hearing about some juicy gossip or TV scandals.

I think the worst thing about infidelity is lying. Infidelity is actually a betrayal to the intimacy and the commitment of two people. That’s why swingers don’t consider to be infidelity the fact that their partners have sexual intercourse with someone else, provided that they’re present or noticed about it. In that case there’s no infidelity because there is previous consent by both partners, so it’s about a different agreement.

Except for swingers and some other couples who agree upon it beforehand, in the remaining cases infidelity must be hidden through a lie. And this generates all kinds of problems within a relationship which may even seriously affect the mental health of the people involved.

This is clearly depicted in the movie “El fondo del mar” (The bottom of the sea). Ezequiel Toledo, the main character, finds his girlfriend in “suspicious circumstances”. He seems lost, disoriented and they even treat him as if he was crazy, especially when he starts following Aníbal, the supposed lover –and psychologist- of his girlfriend during a whole night.

When trust is broken it’s very hard to fix it. We live in a society eager for immediate things, where momentary pleasures prevail upon acquired commitments. Our society has doubletalk because on the one hand infidelity is not openly accepted and it’s socially reprovable but, on the other, people hide and help conceal infidelity committed by friends.

However, the infidelity subject makes us think about the importance of intimacy; that although there are many offers available on the streets, at work or wherever, sometimes saying no may be convenient. We can’t always get what we want. Restraining ourselves from some things allows us to do others: many times it’s necessary to adopt this attitude in life, for example, not watching TV when trying to study.

If we want to build an intimacy relationship with someone, there are some things we must give up in order to strengthen other aspects such as respect, trust and safety. In conclusion, infidelity has consequences upon the couple and this is to be considered.